


As Through Tinted Glass

by angeleledhwen (kallistei), eledhwen (kallistei)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-09-22
Updated: 2003-09-22
Packaged: 2018-02-04 04:50:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1766104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/angeleledhwen, https://archiveofourown.org/users/kallistei/pseuds/eledhwen
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As Through Tinted Glass

Remus doesn’t know quite what to do with himself now. Twice everything he thought he knew about two of his closest friends was turned upside down and inside out, and now everything has changed yet again. He feels like the sky should be green, or the sun shine black, the world is so different.

When Lily and James died, and Sirius was to blame, he cursed himself often. How could he have lived with the man, and loved him, and not recognised just what he was? And then the year that he taught at Hogwarts, he cursed himself all over again, for not believing in Sirius. He learned, later, exactly what had happened to Sirius in that place – although until he knew, his mind came up with ideas that were, if anything, even more horrifying – and tormented himself with what ifs.

It took almost a whole year until he could convince himself that it hadn’t been his fault. A year until Dumbledore called the Order of the Phoenix together for the first time in years, and he found that suddenly he could look Sirius in the eye again.

After that first meeting broke up, they ended up sitting in Sirius’ kitchen, ignoring the assorted screeches from Kreacher and the paintings, drinking wine that was beginning to turn from ‘vintage’ to ‘vinegar’. When Sirius first showed Remus the cupboard full of bottles, Remus couldn’t quite believe his eyes. Sirius confessed he’d dragged them up from the cellar a few days with every intention of consuming them himself. Remus laughed, because it was the least destructive of his possible reactions, and told Sirius that in that case he would simply have to aid him in removing the temptation.

So one by one they emptied the threatening bottles, and they talked of light things, and then of heavy things, and they laughed and shared silences. And when half the cupboard had been emptied, they stumbled up the stairs to Sirius’ room, and it felt almost like being twenty again. They fell into Sirius’ bed together, and fumbled their clothes off and both of them were clumsy and horribly out of practice, but the wine blunted all the sharp edges of pain and regret, and when Remus cried out his passion into Sirius’ mouth it felt like he was being born again.

It was not easy, after that, but it was not as hard as it had been. It was obvious that Sirius chafed at being held indoors. One night, soon after Harry had gone back to school, he told Remus he felt like a housewife, waiting for someone else to bring home the spoils. Again Remus tried to tease him out of the mood, but he could feel the tension rising. In school, that had meant Sirius was about to do something spectacularly foolhardy, and the meaning had probably not changed, but in this situation the consequences could be even worse.

And after that day in the Ministry, he cursed himself all over again. Some things he could not have foreseen, it was not his duty. But he had known what Sirius felt, and what Sirius was capable of, and he had not done all he could, busy with his own responsibilities. He seethed inside with grief and guilt, and ruthlessly kept on the mask of calm to show Harry what had to be done.

When Harry walks away with his Muggle family, Remus turns away with the rest of the Order, looks around, and wonders why the world does not look different.


End file.
